I hate shaving.
Every morning it’s the same routine day after day after day. First the shower as it helps to soften bristles. Then, fill the sink with hot water. A squirt of lovely scented shaving oil into the palm of my hand to smear the oil over the lower half of face and scrape, scrape, scrape with cold steel. It’s just so tedious. Why can’t someone invent a cream like women use for their legs and bits? They don’t have to shave every day. Just smear on some of that cream stuff, wash it off, and let a bit of silk waft down their legs and they’re off.
Why can’t I do that with my face?
On weekends I might let it go and not shave, but my stubble isn’t sexy like say George Michael’s was. I don’t want to grow a big minging beard like the fashionable hipsters do nowadays. I mean come on. Tell me girls (and boys), how can you bear to kiss some guy with a beard. Like planting one on a big fozzy bear. I can’t see me growing a moustache either. That must be just as bad. Come on girls fess up it can’t be fun can it?
I’m not particularly beardist or moustachist I just don’t think they would work on me and I would feel embarrassed should I have to snog someone. And what about those guys with the sculptured whiskers, the ones that look like Craig David – very precise. I guess one would have to spend hours with a micro cutter every day or at least have a season ticket at a salon somewhere. And goatees are so goaty – nah, not for me.
I suppose I could go and live in Turkey. The best shaves I ever had were in Turkey. The barbers use a cutthroat razor (disposable blade) and you get a face massage thrown in too. My face really was as smooth as a babies bum and it seemed to last for days. Nice lemony oil stuff is sprayed on to one's face too. But it’s just a bit too far to commute to and from work. So that’s out.
I can’t even use an electric razor. I know it looks sexy and smart driving to work running that Remington across the stubble but apart from the obvious dangers such as not being able to text at the same time. But electric razors bend my bristles and make them grow back into my face. That leaves me with big septic bumps and that’s even less attractive than a beard.
Even the new razors the ones with four blades that David Beckham uses are useless. You’d have thought that Dave would have noticed this; they just clog up with cut off bristles. The three blade type are the best for me. The give me a decent smooth shave and don’t leave the bloody gashes that BIC disposable blades do.
I think we need to take a lesson from the girls and get some manly creamy type product invented that we could just smear across our faces every few days and just wipe it off. I guess they could even create a manly silky thing to waft across our chins.
It can’t be that hard. The cream stuff women use on their legs and near their other bits and armpits can’t be too chemically dangerous can it? Our manly chins are made of sterner stuff than ladies armpits as we drag cold steel across them day after day.
I draw a line at waxing – I’ll leave that to the girl’s and their bikini lines thanks very much.