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Nun's Piss Soup

As it’s the New Year, many people will have made the resolution to lead a healthy lifestyle in 2018. For the first day of the rest of their life they will have cottage cheese and rice cakes. What marvellous inventions rice cakes are not only are they nutritious and low in calories, but I have often seen them used as ceiling tiles and other forms of insulation and soundproofing. I bet the Chinese invented them; they seem to invent all the good and interesting things like paper and gunpowder! And isn’t Cottage Cheese yummy too? I can’t believe they make it by putting sour milk into ladies' tights and hanging it for weeks. I hope they wash the tights first. By the by and on a similar note I was once told by a postgraduate student doing ‘Food Culture’ or something that one of the preservatives that go into frozen pizzas is synthesised from Asian people's hair, he also told me something about Nun’s piss which we will come to later.

There is also an urban myth that Red Bull is called Red Bull because the Taurine (root of the word is Taurus – the Bull) the active ingredient, is synthesised from bull’s piss. If it was, I think it would give me more than wings - probably some projectile vomiting. Nevertheless, Red Bull isn't made from bull's piss or testicles and its vegetarian according to the Red Bull website.

Not so pizza and bread if you read the ingredients label on a loaf of bread, you will usually find an ingredient listed there as L-cysteine - you'll find it throughout commercial breads such as pizza dough, bread rolls and pastries. Most of L-cysteine is extracted from a cheap and abundant natural protein source: human hair. Most of the hair used to make L-cysteine is gathered from the floors of barbershops and hair salons in China. I have my hair cut in China – think about that. I told you the Chinese were inventive. Anyway, I am now beyond frozen pizza, so it doesn’t worry me.

Now, lets turn to the instruction, for women, about ingesting Nun's Piss soup to boost your hormones to make you pregnant - I found this extract:

To begin you’ll need supplemental hormones to jump-start your pre-menopausal reproductive system. If you go the medical establishment route, these will run you over $3000.00 a cycle. Ridiculous. Hormones are organic, freely produced in nature, so take the initiative and Do-It-Yourself.

Think gardening - with an interpersonal harvest. The hormones required are found in the urine of post-menopausal women, originally collected from cloistered nuns in Italy. Pure as that may be, it isn’t necessary to restrict yourself to nuns, unless you’re a traditionalist with a papal dispensation. Let’s not be fussy, any post-menopausal urine will do. *

Once you have the urine, the next step is getting it into your bloodstream. The medical establishment requires injection, so you’re looking at a lot of needles, syringes and a bruised butt.

My suggestion is to do a sauce reduction, doctor it up with herbs d’ Provence or hot chilli peppers and toss it into the blender with a lot of garlic, creating the base for a pungent broth or sauce which you will consume at night before retiring, for obvious social reasons, over the next seven to ten days. A smoothie might do the job just as well.

Unlike the ironic Durian fruit from Southeast Asia that “smells like a toilet but tastes like heaven,” there’s no contradiction here with Nun’s piss soup. Once digested, the broth will soup up your egg production, allowing your ovaries to produce more than the customary one egg per cycle, thus increasing your chances of pregnancy.

*If you think gathering post-menopausal urine is unpleasant, just wait till menopause commences and you have to extract oestrogen from horse urine!

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