I’ve been thinking about cancelling my life insurance, my house contents insurance, my car insurance, not paying any more bills, exceeding the limits on my credit cards and flying off to some place hot where the women don’t wear much and the drinks are cheap and I don’t mean the local nightclub.
Why’s that you ask?
Well, you don’t need a degree in Estate Agency just to state the bleeding obvious do you? It’s the End of the World isn’t it?
Yep, my friends please assume the crash position, place your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye. You only have to look at the evidence.
First and foremost has to be Big Don and his BIG RED BUTTON going eyeball to eyeball with the BIG FAT IDIOT in North Korea and BOOM Armageddon is writ large. The mad thing is all the redneck Trump supporters are lapping it up. I mean since Russia and China decided having McDonald's, KFC and Mercedes Benz’s are better than cabbage soup, Trabants and dog there ain’t been no decent commies to rage about. The fact that everybody will be toast when Donald does the business is evidence that God’s on their side, apparently.
Then we have had hurricanes, storms, mudslides and earthquakes. This is more major evidence we are all on our way out. The earth is cracking up (please don’t panic, form an orderly queue and make your own way to the local cemetery) some islands have moved 20 or so metres from where they were originally. In a months time we’ll find them off the coast of Cornwall or somewhere and Cornwall will be lodged against Coney Island (wherever that is).
In California it’s either snowing for the first time since prunes where invented or the place is being burnt to a frazzle or its raining like there is no tomorrow and on this evidence there is no tomorrow. Add that to the wave of floods, bad weather, snow and ice and stuff being experiencing in the UK and I’m convinced that the End IS Nigh. All I need now is to see one of those little old men in a sandwich board with that gloomy message written across it and I’ll be certain!
Look it’s true. It’s in The Bible isn’t it?
Someone, probably John (a gobby apostle by all accounts) asked ‘How will we know of the end times’ and Jesus said:
"And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth." (Lk. 21: 25-26).
All I am waiting for now is a plague of locusts or for the sky to rain frogs and toads – maybe blood. I expect to see, any moment, careering around the corner the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Death, Plague, Hunger and Jason. Jason’s the Horseman of Dyslexia - he thought he was signing up for the Argonaut but got it mixed with Apocalypse. But you watch, soon we’ll all be starving and singing Ring a Rosie again but not being able to spell it or write it down and then just being dead.
What I can’t stand are those Born Again Christians marching around with that smug look on their faces, knowing ‘come the day’ they will all be ‘raptured’ off to sit on Gods right hand. This is where all the Christians will rise above us and float off - like shall we say cork and leave the rest of us to flap about in Hell. That’s Christian Values for you isn’t it? Just when we need them most they rise above it and ignore us sinners, who I might add, are meant to be saved by that cowardly lot.
I thought at first that global warming would be quite a good thing. I mean the UK could do with a summer now and again and the winters are always so damp and dismal. We need it to be a little warmer, so we don’t have to spend three months of the year getting mouldy and having sniffy colds, sneezing over each other. But it seems the alternative is worse. I mean spending eternity in Hell after the End of the World, we’ll all be wishing for a bit of a chill and a sniffy cold – unless that’s what Hell is really like.
And what about all the Hindu’s after the End of the World where will they be re-incarnated to? It’s gonna be a shock to be reincarnated and there’s nothing there. I’m sure that Krishna will have some plan. He’ll have had a bit of a chat with God and Buddha I suppose and they will have sorted it all out between them.
Anyway I’ll be packing my kit tonight. Surfboard for the waves, sugar for the horses of the Apocalypse and a nice Golden Fleece for Jason. I’ve even found this website that’ll give me some tips for the rapture, so it might be all right. If California slips into the Ocean sometime between now and tomorrow morning can someone please call me I must wax my board!
Surfs up dudes…